One of the strengths of the Church is creating a community where people can speak and listen to one another. Our prophet, President Russell M. Nelson said, “Learn to listen, and listen to learn from neighbors. Repeatedly the Lord has said, ‘Thou shalt love thy neighbor.’ Opportunities to listen to those of diverse religious or political persuasion can promote tolerance and learning. And a good listener will listen to a person’s sentiments as well.”[1]
Each of us needs to feel validated and affirmed as we speak and listen to one another. Communication is a critical component of healthy relationships, families, organizations, and churches. Whenever people are silenced, they can quickly become lonely, sad, frustrated or even angry.
As we minister to others, one of the most important things we can do is to listen deeply to those who suffer. For the Church to exemplify the principle of ministering, it must demonstrate pure love for all abuse victims, including victims of ecclesiastical abuse. In order to be comforted and to heal, abuse survivors need to speak the truth about their abuse as part of the healing process. And they need to be heard. Abusers often attempt to silence their victims in order to perpetuate the abuse and to protect themselves.
Whenever we attempt to shame or silence a victim, we exacerbate the suffering of the survivor. Yet, when victims share details of abuse to their ecclesiastical leader, too often they are told:
• That couldn’t have happened. I know the perpetrator. He would never do that.
• If you have been a better person, the abuse wouldn’t have happened.
• You must tell no one about what happened to you. You might break up your temple marriage, ruin the perpetrator’s reputation or hurt his standing in the Church if you tell anyone about this.
• If you share details about your so-called abuse with anyone, we will disfellowship or excommunicate you.
• You are guilty of provoking or seducing the abuser. It is your problem, not his.
• You are making up the abuse. You are mentally unstable.
• You must repent. You are responsible for being abused.
• You must forgive and forget.
• You need to stop thinking about the abuse and instead pray and read your scriptures.
• If you tell others about the abuse, we will expose you, discredit you, shame and blame you.
Too often Church leaders shame and silence victims with these statements—and worse. Over several decades, I have counseled with many abuse victims who state they have been victimized as much—if not more—by Church leaders than by the abuser. Our Church must discontinue all practices and policies that silence and abuse survivors. When abuse is disclosed, that can say:
• I believe you.
• I am so sorry to hear that happened to you. How can we help? Can we provide counseling for you? Do you need to go to a safe place? Do you want me to call the police?
• You have shown a lot of courage to talk about abuse. Thank you for reporting the abuse.
• Would you allow me to notify your ministering brothers and sisters and the Relief Society or Elders Quorum President or would you prefer that I do not do so?
• Remember that you are not responsible in any way for the abuse. Please don’t blame yourself. The perpetrator is totally responsible for the abuse and we will hold him or her accountable.
• What can I do to help in your healing?
• We love you. You are a cherished son or daughter of God.
• Would you be willing to let a counselor coordinate with me how I can best help you?
• Please know that God loves you unconditionally and infinitely.
As the Church takes a pro-active approach in helping abuse victims heal, it will become a shining beacon. It will better comfort those who need comfort and mourn with those who mourn. It will follow the Savior’s example of reaching out to those who suffer bu providing them with succor and loving kindness.
1. Russell M Nelson, “Listen to Learn,” April 1991 General Conference