Category: Sexual Abuse in the LDS Church

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LDS Church Must Stop Silencing Abuse Victims

One of the strengths of the Church is creating a community where people can speak and listen to one another. Our prophet, President Russell M. Nelson said, “Learn to listen, and listen to learn from neighbors. Repeatedly the Lord has said, ‘Thou shalt love thy neighbor.’ Opportunities to listen to those of diverse religious or political persuasion can promote tolerance and learning. And a good listener will listen to a person’s sentiments as well.”[1]

Each of us needs to feel validated and affirmed as we speak and listen to one another. Communication is a critical component of healthy relationships, families, organizations, and churches. Whenever people are silenced, they can quickly become lonely, sad, frustrated or even angry.

As we minister to others, one of the most important things we can do is to listen deeply to those who suffer. For the Church to exemplify the principle of ministering, it must demonstrate pure love for all abuse victims, including victims of ecclesiastical abuse. In order to be comforted and to heal, abuse survivors need to speak the truth about their abuse as part of the healing process. And they need to be heard. Abusers often attempt to silence their victims in order to perpetuate the abuse and to protect themselves.

Whenever we attempt to shame or silence a victim, we exacerbate the suffering of the survivor. Yet, when victims share details of abuse to their ecclesiastical leader, too often they are told:

• That couldn’t have happened. I know the perpetrator. He would never do that.
• If you have been a better person, the abuse wouldn’t have happened.
• You must tell no one about what happened to you. You might break up your temple marriage, ruin the perpetrator’s reputation or hurt his standing in the Church if you tell anyone about this.
• If you share details about your so-called abuse with anyone, we will disfellowship or excommunicate you.
• You are guilty of provoking or seducing the abuser. It is your problem, not his.
• You are making up the abuse. You are mentally unstable.
• You must repent. You are responsible for being abused.
• You must forgive and forget.
• You need to stop thinking about the abuse and instead pray and read your scriptures.
• If you tell others about the abuse, we will expose you, discredit you, shame and blame you.

Too often Church leaders shame and silence victims with these statements—and worse. Over several decades, I have counseled with many abuse victims who state they have been victimized as much—if not more—by Church leaders than by the abuser. Our Church must discontinue all practices and policies that silence and abuse survivors. When abuse is disclosed, that can say:

• I believe you.
• I am so sorry to hear that happened to you. How can we help? Can we provide counseling for you? Do you need to go to a safe place? Do you want me to call the police?
• You have shown a lot of courage to talk about abuse. Thank you for reporting the abuse.
• Would you allow me to notify your ministering brothers and sisters and the Relief Society or Elders Quorum President or would you prefer that I do not do so?
• Remember that you are not responsible in any way for the abuse. Please don’t blame yourself. The perpetrator is totally responsible for the abuse and we will hold him or her accountable.
• What can I do to help in your healing?
• We love you. You are a cherished son or daughter of God.
• Would you be willing to let a counselor coordinate with me how I can best help you?
• Please know that God loves you unconditionally and infinitely.

As the Church takes a pro-active approach in helping abuse victims heal, it will become a shining beacon. It will better comfort those who need comfort and mourn with those who mourn. It will follow the Savior’s example of reaching out to those who suffer bu providing them with succor and loving kindness.

1. Russell M Nelson, “Listen to Learn,” April 1991 General Conference

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Ministering

One of the Church’s strengths is ministering to others. Compassionate service is a great Mormon tradition. Members often assist those who are sick or bereaved, visit the widowed and lonely, feed the hungry and perform a host of other acts of Christ-like service.

Each week members serve toddlers, children, teens, and adults through music, lessons, and activities. Millions of members spend countless hours serving folks in their congregations and neighborhoods throughout the world. Most serve tirelessly and faithfully.

Although the Church can bless others, when its leaders are abusive, it can wound others. Too many LDS members have been abused by Church leaders who preyed on their innocence and trust. The effects of ecclesiastical sexual or physical abuse are devastating not only to victims but to those who love them.

Because abuse victims have nowhere in the Church to turn except to their LDS leaders, if the leaders are the abusers, they are silenced. Too often the Church shames and blames victims while it protects and aids abusers.

Some members who have attempted to chronicle ecclesiastical abuse have been excommunicated or threatened with excommunication if they speak up. Some who reported ecclesiastical abuse have lost their memberships in the Church. Instead of punishing the perpetrators, too often the Church punishes, gaslights, or silences the victims.*

When abuse occurs, the Church needs to listen to survivors and help them heal. To do this, the Church needs to authorize a team of crisis therapists, victim’s advocates, and other skilled professionals to listen to abuse victims who have been ignored or abused their ecclesiastical leaders.

This group would operate a 24-hour hotline and be empowered to hold perpetrators accountable and to make certain that survivors receive necessary help to recover. The group would also ensure that reported abusers are prevented from holding positions where they can further abuse others.

To follow Jesus’ example, the Church must minister to all abuse survivors, including those who were abused by people who hold—or have held—positions of trust in the Church. It must take necessary steps in order to follow its written policy: “When abuse occurs, the first and immediate responsibility of Church leaders is to help those who have been abused and to protect vulnerable persons from future abuse.”**

 

*One example of many with which I am personally acquainted includes this account: “When Black Eyes and Police Reports Don’t Matter,” Sisters Quorum, 22 February 2018.

**See LDS Newsroom, “First Presidency Directs Leaders to Prevent and Respond to Abuse,” 26 March 2018 (includes links to a First Presidency letter and the revised Handbook of Instructions “Preventing and Responding to Abuse”)

Other critical steps include eliminating one-on-one interviews with children and youth and providing Church leaders and members with training on ways to prevent abuse and how to recognize abuse symptoms.

 

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